Why “You Hurt Me” Never Works

Would you say, “I have the flu, so you must take antibiotics? I’m overweight, so you must eat less? I broke my arm, so you must wear a cast?” No. But we often say, “I hurt, so you must change your behavior.” It is a crazy thought, yet one that is common in our society.

While it might sound reasonable to say, “You hurt me,” we’re inviting you to look and think about what you’re really saying:  I’m hurting, so you must be the cause of it (and therefore should change your behavior).

It’s natural to want someone to stop saying or doing things that bring up painful emotions or uncomfortable sensations in your body, and therefore common to try to change them. If you’ve ever tried to do this, you know it can be as futile as trying to make rain stop falling. The other will be open to changing or not, and may even try to change and then be successful or not, but you have little power with the results. And if you can’t change them, you might cut that person out of your life.

Because we put the blame “out there,” and then focus our energy “out there,” we constantly find ourselves stuck with unhealed emotions and situations repeating time and time again. We even find different faces in our life mirroring for us the same repetitive issues and activating our same unhealed hurts.

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Your hurts are yours alone to heal. You can breathe and let the hurt go, or if it’s a deeper hurt and you’d like support with moving the energy out of your body, use a trusted body worker, talk with a therapist or counselor, go on a healing retreat, pray and meditate, receive Transcendent Healing™ — whatever it takes to heal the old hurt and stuck emotions that have been held in your body and mind for so long. But you have to do the healing, the letting go of your pain.

We are not saying you should let others walk all over you. You could certainly use boundaries while you heal, but you will find you only need them as a temporary tool to give yourself space, room, and time to let go the old pain that has been getting triggered. Once the pain is gone, your responses and reactions are freer and you no longer need to guard against those words, tone of voice, etc. that used to trigger your former pain. You can protect yourself while you feel you need it, grow your self-confidence, and ultimately stand for the wholeness of yourself and others. Commit to heal first, and return to this commitment no matter what.

This is the path to happiness. This is the path to freedom!